Va Va Velo!

Thanks to a red-hot desire to watch this year’s Tour de France, Chris and I broke our six-year “poor-people TV” streak. (Well, that and we realized with the switch from analog to digital, our VCR was rendered useless for recording our Thursday night shows. Plus, who can take anyone with a nice digital TV and a VCR seriously?) How did we ever survive this many years of marriage without quality nights sitting silently in front of cable TV together?

On July 10, the Dish Network and the little miracle that is DVR – you can pause LIVE TV!?! – entered our lives. At first, it was bliss. I could record the Tour, attempt to avoid the Twitter updates and such all day, and then watch the Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen coverage at my own convenience. Blipping through the commercials was blissful. And then the Tour ended.

I started to feel uneasy about this fancy TV arrangement. My Netflix subscription satisfies my movie and series needs. I do just fine with NBC, CBS, ABC and PBS. If I’m plunking down that much cash each month, shouldn’t I be watching TV like it’s my job instead of riding, reading or gardening?

Well, after exploring some cable’s stellar offerings, I may need to dedicate more time to wasting my life away and growing some love handles. I keep up with pop culture; however, I never watched the shows people talk about ’round the water cooler. No more shall I wonder who the hell are John and Kate. Next time I pick up someone’s copy of US Weekly and lose myself in its glorious trashiness, the experience will be far more fulfilling. So long hobbies and fitness and fresh air!

Here are three show that have “touched” my life thanks to Dish Network:

1. Keeping Up With The Kardashians
I always wondered who these people were and why I wanted watch a show about them. Based on the 15 minutes I watched, I think Olympian Bruce Jenner and his clan may be the most lovable reality TV show family out there. Kim seems sweet. The kids seem decent. And plastic, faced Bruce has his heart in the right place.

2. My Super Sweet Sixteen
Like a bloody wreck, these bratty teens draw you in. The attitude. The excess. The enabling parents and kiss-ass “friends.” Wow. Just wow. Why doesn’t someone bitch slap one of these little assholes into reality or make them work at McDonald’s for a week and see that making heads roll because mom and day bought you a blue Porsche instead of a black Porsche makes you certifiably insane.

3. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant
Woah. Hold on here. This should be on the Sci-Fi channel. This can actually happen to women who aren’t obese or on crack? Fit, athletic women can actually carry a child full-term and find out they are pregnant just hours before delivering? My night terrors will not subside. I wake up in a cold sweat, clutching my empty womb. Dear God! Next time I have gas pains I’m taking a pregnancy test.